New Year, Old Me

It's pretty ironic that the New Year, the most transitional time of year, always comes at the darkest time of the year. The hardest time to manifest the change we seek. Truth be told, it causes major physical and emotional challenges for me because I always feel tricked into trying to build energy around starting new beginnings, new trends and change old habits, all the while being held captive in my home (and mind) by the lack of light, the cold, and the same walls that remind me of the changes I need to make. It's claustrophobic, scary, and MADDENING, to say the least. Aside from the deep desire to hit the road and head to Florida to ease my pent-up frustration and stay in the dance, I've found that when I am made to "sit-tight" within the shrinking walls of my home, while the winter months drag on, I am literally forced to stop everything. I'm asked to surrender from the swirling motion I was so swept up in, and make friends with my alone self. Crazy as it sounds, I've come to learn that that this when the real shift happens for me. No doubt it's a painful process, because a slow morph into quiet self-reflection from a busy, productive energy, is just not pretty for me. There is literally this whole period of time where the voices of self-doubt, ridicule, and self-loathing ensues. And if left unattended, can get louder and stronger by the day....Did I do what I set out to do this year? Did I make personal change? Did I take my ideas from last New Year and make use of them and put them to work? Ugh...another wrinkle, you're getting older. Am I raising my kid right? Don't forget how you felt last spring when you couldn't get into your jeans. Did I compromise any part of the bigger picture this year? The judgement parade is relentless, and dang tiring.

I've found over the years, though, that when the cacophony of voices start to rise over the darkness, that it's a sign to practice self love. This is the time when it's ok to "not do." When there is something deeper under those voices. If I sit with them long enough and let them air out, there is something creative going on under it all. My truth, desire, passion, and fire. Time for ideas to flow and thoughts to percolate. I've found when I sit in stillness a whole world of possibilities emerge from the depths. The trick is remembering to read the signs and then trust the darkness.

I'm learning to like this time. Dare I say, I even look forward to it. I think because I give myself more permission during the winter months to absorb and refuel, and yes, indulge, there I said it. Because ultimately, I know what's gonna happen come April, the music is gonna start playing and I'll be back in the dance. All those ideas will be ready to POP. But here's the thing, the awesomeness of spring doesn't stand a chance if winter doesn't give its quiet self reflection. The take away? If you're like me, and you find you get anxiety or frustration around the New Year resolution thing, or even just the cold, darkness of winter itself...stop, breath, and remember to use the quiet dark to re-connect to you. Then take out your notebook, or planner and start free writing. Play around with strategizing on the inner musings of your creative self. Because come spring, when the music starts up again, we'll be doing some butt whoopin'! Happy New You.